Post by Avernus on Apr 6, 2016 13:00:42 GMT
Hey guys, probably not expecting this as I had told some friends I wouldn't be writing one of these. But it's been a while and I've had time to calm down, reflect, and see what my actions did to things outside of TFG. I haven't looked at the new Discord nor the new site. I've heard new members showed up in the Discord too, which leads me to believe some didn't come simply because they didn't like/trust me.
I knew for a long while that many members of the TFG community did not like me as a person, and even less as a moderator. It wasn't completely uncalled for as I am known for at times being inappropriately blunt and rude, or for teasing and harassing people that bother me. It wasn't right, and it wasn't proper for a moderator to do that. I won't defend my actions in this letter, or at least not consciously.
What happened the night I left was simple, I'm gonna put it as clear and blunt as possible, to try and push out any room for misinterpretation, misinformation, etc. Some of you may have noticed that I got agitated when people spoke on my behalf or put words in my mouth. This is because in my family household honesty is the most important virtue, and breaking that honesty, that trust, breaks your character. It's entirely possible for one lie to instantly kill any friendship you could have with me.
That night, I had decided after weeks of contemplation, to leave TFG once and for all. I know I had said I would leave in the past, only to come back and try to shrug off what I said/did. It didn't help my reputation, something which I never tried to maintain for most people. I actively sought out and argued with Breech Loader about her failure to stay true to canon with Whirl as a character. I would not have this problem if she had said it was an original version of the character, but she chose IDW, and was bound by it's laws.
After over an hour, maybe two hours or more, of arguing, Krovennan showed up. You see, I never mentioned this to anyone outside a select circle of friends which I won't name for their sakes, but I didn't like him. From day one seeing him on the forums I didn't like him. Krove it seemed to me was full of himself, always standing on some pedestal like he was somehow superior when he had nothing special about him. He often boasted about his Apocalypticons, something which I amongst others found to be rather rediculous and overpowered, being effectively the phase-sixers we had banned.
His showing up and trying to be a peacekeeper between me and Breech sparked the flame in me, and lit the inferno I was holding within. All at once I put out all my irritation in one big self-destructive blaze. I knew what I was doing, to others it seemed I was targetting people and burning things down because I was mad at them. The reality was that I was frustrated with how I could no longer find fun in the RP.
You all probably noticed, how I show up, make some posts, then disappear from RP but not the site. My muse, my drive to write, has been a sputtering ember for over a year now. I don't know why, maybe it's from all the stress and frustration with so many elements in our RP universe. From people who never seem to learn and improve to stop godmodding, to people thinking the understand things that they clearly dont, to rules showing up that seem to only punish me and my creations. I was angry, I was frustrated, and it was a few months after the creation of TFG before you saw me bottle that up.
I'm afraid however that these feelings didn't go away, and I continued to be upset beneath the skin. And all of that came out that night. I destroyed everything I made, I killed the Discord and burned my public image so that even if I wanted to come back, I couldn't. I made myself as disliked as I could so that nobody would miss me, nobody would care that I left. I wanted to make people happy I was gone, so that if I ever lurked back I would see that everyone is glad I'm gone, and that sickening feeling I would get would keep me from returning.
So now you know, you have some grasp of my reasons, though poor and unjustified, for what I did. I cannot come back, that would be a victory for the people that are against me, the people who say I'm just being a martyr, that I can't keep ot my word. I know I'm not welcomed by the community anymore, even if some handful of people miss me and want me back.
What I did cannot be so easily forgiven and walked away from like I did. But I also can't return and face my crimes.
I know many of you have means to contact me, I know I'm not hard to reach. So there is no truth to words if anyone says they can't get to me.
I knew for a long while that many members of the TFG community did not like me as a person, and even less as a moderator. It wasn't completely uncalled for as I am known for at times being inappropriately blunt and rude, or for teasing and harassing people that bother me. It wasn't right, and it wasn't proper for a moderator to do that. I won't defend my actions in this letter, or at least not consciously.
What happened the night I left was simple, I'm gonna put it as clear and blunt as possible, to try and push out any room for misinterpretation, misinformation, etc. Some of you may have noticed that I got agitated when people spoke on my behalf or put words in my mouth. This is because in my family household honesty is the most important virtue, and breaking that honesty, that trust, breaks your character. It's entirely possible for one lie to instantly kill any friendship you could have with me.
That night, I had decided after weeks of contemplation, to leave TFG once and for all. I know I had said I would leave in the past, only to come back and try to shrug off what I said/did. It didn't help my reputation, something which I never tried to maintain for most people. I actively sought out and argued with Breech Loader about her failure to stay true to canon with Whirl as a character. I would not have this problem if she had said it was an original version of the character, but she chose IDW, and was bound by it's laws.
After over an hour, maybe two hours or more, of arguing, Krovennan showed up. You see, I never mentioned this to anyone outside a select circle of friends which I won't name for their sakes, but I didn't like him. From day one seeing him on the forums I didn't like him. Krove it seemed to me was full of himself, always standing on some pedestal like he was somehow superior when he had nothing special about him. He often boasted about his Apocalypticons, something which I amongst others found to be rather rediculous and overpowered, being effectively the phase-sixers we had banned.
His showing up and trying to be a peacekeeper between me and Breech sparked the flame in me, and lit the inferno I was holding within. All at once I put out all my irritation in one big self-destructive blaze. I knew what I was doing, to others it seemed I was targetting people and burning things down because I was mad at them. The reality was that I was frustrated with how I could no longer find fun in the RP.
You all probably noticed, how I show up, make some posts, then disappear from RP but not the site. My muse, my drive to write, has been a sputtering ember for over a year now. I don't know why, maybe it's from all the stress and frustration with so many elements in our RP universe. From people who never seem to learn and improve to stop godmodding, to people thinking the understand things that they clearly dont, to rules showing up that seem to only punish me and my creations. I was angry, I was frustrated, and it was a few months after the creation of TFG before you saw me bottle that up.
I'm afraid however that these feelings didn't go away, and I continued to be upset beneath the skin. And all of that came out that night. I destroyed everything I made, I killed the Discord and burned my public image so that even if I wanted to come back, I couldn't. I made myself as disliked as I could so that nobody would miss me, nobody would care that I left. I wanted to make people happy I was gone, so that if I ever lurked back I would see that everyone is glad I'm gone, and that sickening feeling I would get would keep me from returning.
So now you know, you have some grasp of my reasons, though poor and unjustified, for what I did. I cannot come back, that would be a victory for the people that are against me, the people who say I'm just being a martyr, that I can't keep ot my word. I know I'm not welcomed by the community anymore, even if some handful of people miss me and want me back.
What I did cannot be so easily forgiven and walked away from like I did. But I also can't return and face my crimes.
I know many of you have means to contact me, I know I'm not hard to reach. So there is no truth to words if anyone says they can't get to me.